It has been one of those days, weeks, months… I think a large portion of my angst is due to lack of sleep. I am not a great sleeper. I wake up easily and then cannot fall back to sleep. It doesn’t help that my son is often up and doesn’t sleep either and that he comes in and joins us to try and fall back asleep. I am usually kicked out of bed, and that gives me ample time to stress out over various crap in my life.
We all know I would like to start a longarm business. We all know that I cannot qualify for traditional loans as we do not own property, have a huge savings account or a trust fund. We all know that I cannot easily find employment that will accommodate mum’s hours in a rural area. We all know I tried Kickstarter, failed, and got nasty-grams from various self righteous keyboard warriors from the quilting realm and otherwise. But I still have that dream, yet I think I may have to let it go and just stop disappointing myself and stop giving others hope that I may get a longarm and be able to quilt for them.
I would also like to own my own home again. That way I might have a fighting chance at not having to move every year, or maybe it will be heated/cooled/dehumidified reasonably, or have warm water. Today’s rant is brought to you by our shower. (the straw that broke the camel’s back) We have hot water, very hot water and we have cold water, very cold water, but never the twain shall meet to make warm water. But because we cannot save enough for a down payment, this is probably never going to happen, just like the longarm.
I am beyond frustrated.
The thought of doing another crowd funding type thing makes me really anxious. I am not eager to expose myself to the disappointment and vitriol I experienced the last time. I still do not understand why it is acceptable for someone to crowd fund for a cooler, movie, or potato salad, but not for equipment to start a small business which would provide a service and help stimulate a local economy. The suggestion that I sell my products is fair, but is essentially what crowd funding platforms do.
My mom decided that because we didn’t make a financial contribution to my crowd funding bid, that was the reason it failed. It was that statement that made me realise that all of my efforts will be a waste of time and energy. Because all of the time I spent researching, building a business plan, learning how to code/maintain a website, learning how to keep a blog/other social media, learning good basic accounting skills, learning computer programs that are industry relevant, learning how to photograph a quilt for a show, learning how to enter show and actually ribbon, learning to teach the skills that I have learned, learning design skills, learning sewing techniques, learning how to use the various machinery, learning how to service the machinery, learning how to master colour, paint, ink, various mediums, learning to make other people’s work look good, learning how to make other people’s work look great despite their errors in execution, learning how to do all of the above and juggle a dependent child with special needs, a devoted husband, and a home is all absolutely, completely valueless.
So at this point, the only way I will obtain either a longarm or a home would be to win the lottery and we all know what kind of odds that offers.
And yes, there are others out there who have had a much worse time. For example an online friend of mine just lost everything in a fire. Please make a contribution on her Go Fund Me (Karen Sievert) page if you are able. But I have had 4 hours of sleep over the last 3 days, been scalded and frozen this morning and just need to have a meltdown and this is the only place I can.
the bright note… I got my samples in from Spoonflower… so maybe I have a shot at selling some of them online.
If you made it this far, thank you for putting up with my misery… I will buck up and get over myself soon enough.
in the meantime, have fun,